NFL To Use Canceled Season To Remake Image

Reuters – April 1, 2011

NFL To Use Canceled Season To Remake Image

With the growing acceptance that the NFL will cancel another season, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has decided against b-grade replacement players in favor of using the lost season to remake the NFL’s image. Goodell says his inspiration came while watching a rerun of North Dallas Forty, the 1979 romp depicting NFL players’ randy misadventures.

When I saw Nick Nolte and crew portraying lovable drug addled womanizers, I knew the NFL had lost its way. Today’s NFL is filled with despicable narcissists like Terrell Owens, self-absorbed pricks who refuse to pay their rent like Dez Bryant, borderline rapists like Ben Roethlisberger, or even worse, dweebs like Peyton Manning. What has happened to us?

Goodell’s strategy is to film NFL players as a part of a reality TV program. The show will depict NFL players womanizing and drinking, while at the same time working to overcome the inner demons that made them into schoolyard bullies in the first place.

Michael Vick is probably the worst example of an NFL player. Cruelty to dogs? People think of football players as some sort of dog – running around in the grass, jumping, dancing, speaking in some make-believe language we pretend to understand. NFL players are cruel to people, not animals, and they do it with style.

The essence of football players is that they have nothing to offer decent society, yet women love them and men respect them for their freakish physical power. I want the world to know that NFL players don’t have to rape women or text-message pictures of their dillies. NFL players conquer loose women with their mystique by wearing spandex and forming large sweaty scrums. NFL players exist in an atmosphere beyond ordinary Americans’ crappy lives. An NFL player should be the horribly offensive jerk that everyone is forced to love, or else be ostracized by that fat Miller beer guy.

Goodell also is looking beyond the NFL for inspiration.

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While Deion Sanders is a great example of a star that used his athletic talent to mask his outrageously boorish empty shell of a personality, we can do even better. Mickey Mantle was a pathetic terminal alcoholic who ruined his life by drinking and womanizing to the point people were grateful he even showed up to play. If MLB could make Mantle into the hero of a generation of children, we can do the same with Mr. Ocho Cinco.

We know we have some stiff competition. We don’t have the NBA’s car-jacker vibe, and certainly can’t match their record on illegitimate children. Even the NHL is competitive when it comes to soft-brained dopiness and senseless aggression. Our main strength is that NFL players remind people of their high school years, when dullard hulks with faces like a moose commanded the finest cheerleaders in whatever farm town they had parked their RV that year.

Goodell stressed that the NFL image is a delicate balance of thuggery and charm.

We don’t want to be like Kobe Bryant, some sort of split-personality baby on the court and a wannabe gangster at night. There is no charm or mass appeal with someone who pouts and nearly breaks into tears whenever a call doesn’t go his way.

We want to deemphasize the ‘hard work and sacrifice got me here’ narrative in favor of ‘NFL players are gifts from God, so we deserve to be an amoral plague on our communities.’

Episode one will focus on Plaxico Buress’s release from prison for accidentally shooting himself with an illegal pistol.

There’s nothing wrong with packing heat, but the fool had his pistol in the waistband of some track pants. We don’t want NFL players dressing like strip-club pimps anymore.

The NFL reality program is expected to air this fall on Lifetime.

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