Many of you have spent an uncomfortable evening listening to a group of lefties rail on about how Republicans are stupid, evil, and still ruining the world. As people in the majority often are, they were completely oblivious to the possibility that not everyone shares their views. To be sure, any individualist or capitalist who lives in a far left city or collectivist enclave needs a thick skin. Still, lefties can be quite a boor when they behave like jackasses. So, here is Shout Bits’s gift to the leftie in your life: how not to be a left-wing jackass:

1. Get your left-wing information from the best sources. The left-wing ideas in the US come from basically one source: the New York Times. Read Paul Krugman and Maureen Dowd because they are all you need to know about how the progressives think. If you need science to support your left-wing views, read Scientific American, which has a monthly diatribe against Republicans and capitalism. After reading these primary sources, you will quickly notice that your local leftist columnist is merely parroting the Times. Keith Olbermann, The Huffington Post, and the Daily Kos are all predictable two minutes of hate based on the left-wing wellspring. You will come across more informed and less of a wacko if you lay off the fringe stuff and stick to the true prophets of socialism.
   
2. Be careful of how you use the word ‘we.’ If you catch yourself saying something like “we need to do something,” you are probably being a left-wing jackass. Human civilization survived for 8,000 years without Obama, so saying we need to take action on this or that by August is patently foolish. Also, by invoking ‘we,’ you are implying that anyone who disagrees with you is outside the consensus. Unless ‘we’ means your immediate family, using ‘we’ may make people think you are a left-wing jackass.
   
3. Along the same lines as ‘we,’ be careful of ‘community.’ You seem quite pompous citing the “Latino community,” or the “African American community.” You are practicing an ugly form of identity politics by doing this. You are assuming that everyone from that ethnic background shares a common political belief. While the Democrats dominate certain ethnic demographics, nobody wants to be taken for granted. Des Moines is a community; every black person in the US is not.
   
4. Don’t assume everyone is a leftie like you. If you are sitting with four strangers, there is a good chance one of them is not a leftie. Someone must have told you not to discuss politics with new acquaintances, yet you just can’t let it go because the fire of justice overwhelms you. Even if everyone at the table is a Democrat, that still doesn’t mean they want to hear your views on Ward Churchill’s mistreatment.
   
5. Stop equating big with bad. Lefties expose themselves as fools when they cite terms like ‘big pharma’ or ‘big oil’” Some endeavors simply work best when run by a large organization. It takes a lot of money to drill an oil well or research a new drug. In order to diversify such risks, a company needs to drill a lot of wells and research a lot of new drugs. Small companies simply can’t compete when the stakes are so high. Simply attaching the term ‘big’ to an industry does not prove anything other than a general contempt for the capitalist system.
   
6. Stop using ‘corporate’ as a moniker of despot evil. A corporation is nothing more than a framework that allows people to join together to perform some task. Your local NPR station a corporate entity. What the average dreadlocked leftist usually means by ‘corporate’ is ‘for profit.’ Most non-leftists would respect you more if you simply said you were against profit seeking, rather than against anything ‘corporate.’
   
7. Try to keep your manufactured outrage in check. Sen. Boxer recently epitomized this leftie trait when she bristled at being called “ma’am” by a Brigadier General Walsh. She was outraged by the slight and demanded to be called “Senator.” No sensible person should be offended by being called “sir” or “ma’am.” At most, the California Senator should have privately requested Walsh call her “Senator” in the future. Boxer, however, manufactured outrage because she could not contain her contempt for traditional pleasantries and the non-leftist culture they represent. You can see the same ugly manufactured outrage in the likes of Bill Maher, Janeane Garofalo, and a host of other leftie celebrities. Hyperbolic outrage reveals your lack of substance and certified left-wing jackass status.
   
8. Enough with the ‘Rush Limbaugh speaks for Republicans’ ploy. Pundits like Limbaugh and Ann Coulter do not represent each of the 77 million Republicans in the US. This was an obvious ploy to tie the Republican Party to the most polarizing figures. I doubt Sen. Nelson would like to be tied to Speaker Pelosi or Cynthia McKinney (former Democrat). The main difference is, of course, that Coulter and Limbaugh were never elected to any office; they are private citizens. Hard leftists like Pelosi, Sen. Majority Leader Reid, and Sen. Boxer are elected leaders of the Democratic Party. Quit using hack political tactics that have already run their course as a part of your conversations. It makes you look like a spineless true-believer and a left-wing jackass.
   
9. Stop the vitriol against V.P. Cheney. We get it, you never liked him. You equated his mannerisms with those of a hateful mass murderer. It’s perfectly OK to hate your government, but Cheney is long gone now. If he deserves some kind of punishment, the slow wheels of justice will search out that truth, but he is no longer a hot-button issue. To reserve such hate for the largely figurehead position of V.P., especially after his retirement, is just plain weird. Turning red in the face over the mention of his name clearly exposes you as a left-wing jackass.
   
10. Finally, have a sense of humor, for heaven’s sake. Lefties are in charge now; you have the most radical socialist President since FDR (maybe ever), a super majority in the Senate, and a San Francisco liberal as the House Speaker. It’s OK to allow a little joke or two about V.P. Biden’s moronic gaffes. You need to be a good winner if you want to stay in power.