MLB Proves Global Warming Is Real

As every feeling person on the earth knows, Global Warming is the greatest crisis in human history. Human generated greenhouse gases are causing hurricanes, droughts, glacier retreats, and coastal flooding. Anyone who denies that Global Warming is the single most important issue before the world should consider recent evidence from Major League Baseball, Global Warming’s latest victim. The world must align all of its resources to the single mission of reversing corporate pollution that has caused this desperate global crisis.

On April 1, 2008, Ted Cramer, Sr. Director of Equipment Standards and Regulations for MLB, issued this statement:

MLB has seen a 22% increase in broken bats over the past three years versus 10 years ago. MLB has authorized a $1.2 million study as to the cause of this disturbing trend. We have concluded that the quality of wood used in modern bats is significantly inferior to that of older bats.

Thanks to the generous cooperation of Mr. George Steinbrenner, we have taken core samples from the actual bats used by players such as Ruth, DiMaggio, and Williams, and compared them to bats currently used by MLB athletes. The tree growth ring spacing is much greater with modern bats, significantly reducing the strength of the wood. We have concluded that wood of the quality used just 40 years ago is no longer available.

We see this trend accelerating into the upcoming season and beyond. As a result, we are recommending the construction of safety nets surrounding infield seats to protect fans from flying fragments of broken bats. This may inconvenience many fans, but it is essential to protect everyone against all risks they may face at the ball park.

The hotter temperatures and longer growing seasons caused by corporate pollution have weakened the wood used to make bats. Faster growth rates have caused the annual growth rings of trees to be spaced wider , weakening the wood. The same is true for the wood used to build most houses. If Global Warming is not stopped immediately, baseball will cease to be the nation’s pastime and homes will begin to collapse under their own weight.

We must not wait for President Obama to remake the US economy over a 10 year period to combat Global Warming. Like any cancer that threatens life itself, the corporations that cause Global Warming must be removed first, only then can we rebuild a more just society free from greed and hate.

P.S. If any of this seemed reasonable or accurate to you, you are an extreme fool in desperate need of a dose of reality. I just couldn’t wait until April for this one.